Friday, August 1, 2008

PLAIN OR LACY LASIK?

As a young gymnast, I would have to ask my coach to let me know whenever the judges were signaling me to vault because I could not tell if they were raising their arms or not. I suppose that this was the catalyst for my parents sending me to the contact guy at 9 or 10 years old. They loved me so much that they didn’t want me running smack into the vault, which makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. So, I would say that I have worn contacts for about 20 years, and in all that time, I have never had an issue with my contacts irritating my eyes.


So, a month ago, I bought a new kind of contact solution, and WHAM! Now, I have irritated, red eyes. I have tried this little droplet and that little droplet, but nothing doing. I have now seen three doctors, and they all recommend different little droplets. It’s like a three ring circus. One doctor, apparently, gave me the bazooka of eye droplets that was prepared to kill everything except my eye itself. Even that didn’t work! I am on new treatment, but in the meantime, I can’t wear my contacts. This would be an okay situation if my prescription were not so strong that my nose might suffer a small fracture enduring the weight of it all.

Since having the grave misfortune of purchasing a new contact solution that started this “allergic reaction to contacts” crisis, one of my doctors told me that I should consider LASIK surgery. SURGERY! I know that many people have had this surgery safely, but to me, there are some things that just should not mix. Nails and tires, toddlers and fine China, and yes, I would say that lasers and the human eye are near the top of my list. So, unless you are Clark Kent, this is quite an unnatural combo.

I said: “All right, how much does LASIK surgery run?” He said that there is a discount version for about $799 per eye, or I could get the custom surgery for somewhere over a $1,000 per eye. He was not sure on the price. Hold up there cowboy! “Custom” surgery? Since when is surgery anything BUT custom?

ANNOUNCER READS: “Step right up folks and get your eye surgery. One eye, one round pattern and one laser beam for the job people! Don’t be shy. Just look right here at this target! We’ll pull the lever for you. You might even win this fluffy pink bear if all goes well.”

For real? So, do interns perform the cheaper surgery? Do Star Wars doctors dressed as Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker have a heyday sparring on the cornea with lightsabers? Have you every heard of a ½ price open heart surgery? “Yeah, well, we just remove part of the blockage. It’s a good deal all things considered...”

Anyway, so I might get LASIK one day whenever I am brave enough and rich enough to have the “custom” laser cutting my eyes. Perhaps they should call the fancy, custom surgery “Lacy LASIK” to cut down on the confusion…