THE TOOTHPASTE THEORY & RELATIONSHIPS

My best friend from college and I devised a “toothpaste theory” whenever it comes to relationships, and for the life of me, I can't remember how this evolved. I think that it was the brainchild of my best friend, and we most likely embellished it along the way. Anyway, it has been a mainstay touchstone for the success of relationships in our lives, so before you laugh at this, you might want to at least consider the sound scientific research that I am about to present. Oh, and I have written it in the sense of “girl meets boy” and then proceeds to psychoanalyze boy...based on his toothpaste. Make sense to you?

So, we've all been there. Giddy, in love, wondering if this is “the one.” Compatibility is huge, but instead of looking at obvious things to tell if it's golden, all you really have to do to see if there is a strong cosmic connection is tell your significant other that you need to powder your nose. Then, while you are in the bathroom, take a hard look at his toothpaste. There is much that you can glean from such a seemingly “innocent” tube of toothpaste, but it has evidence written all over it!

I am not talking “brands” as much as the actual state of the toothpaste tube itself, but perhaps more qualified Toothpaste Analysts might delve into more complicated theories like…Is whitening involved…vanity? Anything sparkly about the tube…girly? Is there something particularly patriotic about Aquafresh...might he join the army one day? Those sorts of deeper questions. Hmmm…

Keep in mind that there is no right answer here. Just FACTS. You have to decide for yourself if you are compatible or not. So, let’s get into the theory:

1. The Bunched Tube:
The toothpaste tube has one of those doodads on it that allows you to always have the paste bunched up near the top of the tube so that it is easy to get the perfect dollop onto your brush. You know; those plastic things that you slide up as you use the paste?

Psychological Implications:
Perfectionist who is not particularly spontaneous as a general rule. This person probably has a sock drawer organized by color; all his ties are hung neatly at all times; all his cups match in the cupboard; and he might even have potpourri out on the mantel. This person also probably has wreaths for every holiday ready to hang on the door, never misses anniversaries and is thoughtful.

2. The Evolving Squashed Tube:
It looks like the dude just grabbed the toothpaste in the middle and squeezed. If you date this person long enough, you might see the evolution of it being squeezed in the middle; some paste gets on the tube, but it always seems to get rolled at the bottom and wiped clean before there is a point of no return. Then, voila, the paste is bunched at the top once more.

Psychological Implications:
This person can be spontaneous and let loose every now and then, but he always goes back to what’s important in life. He is not so far out there that he'll forget to pay the car note or something basic like that.

3. Pump Tube:
This is a mystery, so you really have to look at things like…Is there toothpaste running down the cylinder? Is there goopy paste around the top of the pump so that you can barely squeeze it onto a brush?

Psychological Implications:
Look at theories 1 & 2 and try to apply them to this mysterious tube of toothpaste. Perhaps this person has heard of the toothpaste theory and does not want to incriminate himself in any way!

4. Missing Cap:
So, you go in the bathroom, and there is toothpaste all in the sink – dried, wet, or gelled beyond belief. You also see, sort of draped across a hairbrush, an almost empty tube with the life squeezed out of it, and absolutely no CAP…anywhere to be seen.

Psychological Implications:
Run for the hills! This person might not even brush his teeth for one. Eeewww! But, forget flowers on your birthday. Forget him remembering to take out the trash on trash day. He is probably the type to go out and buy underwear at Wal-Mart at midnight rather than do laundry. Or worse, turn them inside out instead!

So, I hope that this helps you in someway either pick the right significant other or…understand your significant other in a deeper way. This has, after all, been a deep, deep, deep, deep psychological journey into the unstudied sciences of “The Toothpaste Theory.”